When Depression makes me numb

When depression makes me numb, the lack of feeling anything is paradoxically a horrible feeling.

People who don’t experience or understand depression are often told it is not as simple as feeling sad. This is truer than I can ever begin to describe. There are many faces of depression: one symptom I wish people understood more is the of feeling numbness. A sense of hollowness. A dull, numb lump. It is a grey zombie state of flatness. Life passes by and you won’t bother to wave, because you really don’t care. In fact, you don’t really feel anything. When the strain of depression is extreme, experiencing emotions feels exhausting. There is no joy in my favourite activities or excitement when I make plans. It is all too much.

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I’m lying when I tell you I’m fine

I’m not fine.

I am not fine, but even with tears running down my cheeks I will look you in the eyes and still insist I am fine. Why? Because I hate to admit that I need help, even when it is extremely obvious that I do.

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Talking honestly to a friend about my depression

‘I’m not okay” 

I wish I could tell you this when you ask me how I am. I want to tell you this.

“I’m not okay”

Is what I really want to say to you, but I don’t.

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What I really mean when I say I’m tired

“I’m okay, just tired 

“I’m fine, just a little tired

These are the typical responses I give when someone asks me how I’m doing. Nobody really thinks about the response as it’s considered a ‘normal’ state of being. For a majority of people who say they’re tired, it is usually down to lack of sleep; early mornings and late nights. However, my tired is not from lack of sleep. It can mean something entirely different when you suffer from a mental illness.

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