When I was a teenager I remember thinking to myself if I just reach my twenties I’ll be okay. This at a time when I was sectioned at 17 and was adamant I did not under any circumstance want to see my eighteenth birthday. However my answers always remained the same in psych evaluations ‘No I don’t see or hear people who aren’t here, I don’t want to harm anyone, I’m not suicidal’. The latter always feeling like a lie because in a way it was.
Continue reading “Making it 20+ years old as someone with depression”
In today’s society when we are bombarded with ‘perfect’ images of how we are supposed to look, and if we do not look like that then we are body shamed for the way we do look. There is a pressure on young girls and boys (lets not forget that boy’s also suffer). We are led to believe that unless we are ‘thin’ nobody will love us, nobody will want us. When in actual fact this is the furthest from the truth. Nobodies’ worth comes from there weight.
Continue reading “My worth is not determined by my weight”
I was in the car on the way home from a concert when I heard the news about the explosion at the Manchester Arena, which had 22 fatalities and several 100 injured. I had friends at this concert.
Continue reading “When tragedy makes me doubt the importance of my mental health”
“I’m okay, just tired”
“I’m fine, just a little tired”
These are the typical responses I give when someone asks me how I’m doing. Nobody really thinks about the response as it’s considered a ‘normal’ state of being. For a majority of people who say they’re tired, it is usually down to lack of sleep; early mornings and late nights. However, my tired is not from lack of sleep. It can mean something entirely different when you suffer from a mental illness.
Continue reading “What I really mean when I say I’m tired”
My darling, you have to forgive yourself.
I know that to move on. I have to forgive the people who’ve abused me. However, there is a more important person who I need to forgive and that’s myself. It’s well known that when you experience something horrific you have to forgive that person in order to move on. I’m aware I need to do this, I’m not in the place where I can say it face-to-face to the person, but in my mind and heart, I know I have forgiven them. However, there are days when I question whether or not I have, usually when I’ve had a flashback or a nightmare and then I’m really hard on myself and question whether I have truly forgiven my abusers. Have I really ‘gotten over it’? This only encourages my depression and allows me to beat myself up further than I already do. I know that holding onto my anger towards them is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. It doesn’t. Forgiveness isn’t something that you give to somebody who has hurt you, forgiveness is something that you give to yourself.
Continue reading “Forgive yourself, Darling”
Lately I’ve been feeling scared of everything, and I mean everything. From the small stuff such as speaking to my new colleagues in the staff room (yes really!), to the bigger stuff from failing in my recovery to never amounting to anything. Too scared to even tell my closest friends how I’ve been feeling, because I’m scared of what they will think of me.
Continue reading “What to do when fear is killing you”
I keep having panic attacks at church, I don’t really know why. I seem to have become scared being around a lot of people again, being in crowded places is proving somewhat difficult again. I think this maybe a part of it, and possibly that my mind is becoming to associate church with having panic attacks, I go to church afraid I’m going to have a panic attack. I get so nervous about having a panic attack. Which seems to be how panic attacks work, I worry about having one so much I end up having a panic attack, which causes me to worry about them. A very vicious cycle.
Continue reading “How to support me through my panic attacks”