When Depression makes me numb

When depression makes me numb, the lack of feeling anything is paradoxically a horrible feeling.

People who don’t experience or understand depression are often told it is not as simple as feeling sad. This is truer than I can ever begin to describe. There are many faces of depression: one symptom I wish people understood more is the of feeling numbness. A sense of hollowness. A dull, numb lump. It is a grey zombie state of flatness. Life passes by and you won’t bother to wave, because you really don’t care. In fact, you don’t really feel anything. When the strain of depression is extreme, experiencing emotions feels exhausting. There is no joy in my favourite activities or excitement when I make plans. It is all too much.

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Don’t let others judge how you heal

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Here you are my love. You have struggled and screamed, and finally in a rush of fear and relief asked for help. Getting to this point was a tremendous fight in itself but you are here now, which is the most important thing. Help is coming and I am so proud of you.

In this place of healing there are decisions to be made. What will your healing look like? Will you go to counselling? Will you take medication? Will you see a psychiatrist? Here is the thing about the answers to these questions. They are entirely your decisions. However you decide to heal is the right way. Whichever path you decide to take to get back to your life is your choice my love.

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I’m sorry for all the times my depression and anxiety made me a rubbish friend

Since I started being honest about my mental health, I have realized that my friendships have changed – mostly for the better. There is more trust there now, we are able to talk about bigger things. Now I have opened up, others have started opening up too. It has made me think about how much time I have spent not being the best friend when I wasn’t open about what I was dealing with (Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal thoughts, Anxiety). I want to say sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t message you back because I overthought my response and decided that completely ignoring you would make you hate me less than me taking several hours to respond to you.

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When your suicide doesn’t end in death or a hospital stay

When I was 14, I attempted suicide for the first time.

Let me rewind a bit first though.

I was 14 when my self-harming and depression decided to appear in my life and be a prominent feature still to this day. It was an interesting way to start my teenage years when they decided to appear in already a difficult time in any teenager’s life, just being a teenager. One thing led to another, while I was coping with being bullied at school, trying to keep my marks up, as well as coping with a big family fall out. When I found myself alone in my room with a load of pills next to me. I attempted to take my own life for the first time that night, and I woke up the next day with a sore throat and a terrible headache.

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Talking honestly to a friend about my depression

‘I’m not okay” 

I wish I could tell you this when you ask me how I am. I want to tell you this.

“I’m not okay”

Is what I really want to say to you, but I don’t.

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Making it 20+ years old as someone with depression

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When I was a teenager I remember thinking to myself if I just reach my twenties I’ll be okay. This at a time when I was sectioned at 17 and was adamant I did not under any circumstance want to see my eighteenth birthday. However my answers always remained the same in psych evaluations ‘No I don’t see or hear people who aren’t here, I don’t want to harm anyone, I’m not suicidal’. The latter always feeling like a lie because in a way it was.

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When you’re always anxious that someone is mad at you

If I had a pound for each time I have needlessly asked someone if they are mad at me, I would have a whole lot of money! Most of the time, the thought that someone might be mad at me is all in my head. With my anxiety comes a lot of insecurity, Irrational guilt is the feeling that you have done something wrong when you haven’t. This can be caused by anxiety, insecurity and low self-esteem. It is a frustrating and consuming cycle, a fracture and inaccurate view of the world’s feelings.

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