Don’t let others judge how you heal

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Here you are my love. You have struggled and screamed, and finally in a rush of fear and relief asked for help. Getting to this point was a tremendous fight in itself but you are here now, which is the most important thing. Help is coming and I am so proud of you.

In this place of healing there are decisions to be made. What will your healing look like? Will you go to counselling? Will you take medication? Will you see a psychiatrist? Here is the thing about the answers to these questions. They are entirely your decisions. However you decide to heal is the right way. Whichever path you decide to take to get back to your life is your choice my love.

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When returning to counselling feels like a failure

I have been referred back to counselling again. Having received different types of counselling and therapies since I was 13, being referred back again after months of feeling like I was getting somewhere felt like utter devastation to me. However, I am proud of the fact I realised I was suddenly dipping back into old ways and that I needed help and I actually asked for it. A year ago I would have just buried my head in the sand and pretended everything was okay and hope my feelings would eventually go away. But I did not I asked for help, which is nothing to be ashamed of. I am proud of the person I have become over the years and the progress I have made and will continue to make in my recovery journey.

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What it’s like to love a girl who has survived Trauma

A girl who has lived through trauma has lived through a situation where her body, mind, her entire self was not her own. Where she felt ripped from herself, safety, and her own sanity. It was an experience where her trust was smashed, her worth demolished and all was left was pain. A girl who has lived through trauma is the one whose been pushed into the deep end of the pool not knowing how to swim and yet somehow found herself a ledge. She walked through a fire and did not succumb to the smoke. She dealt with the burns and despite the flames all around her she made it out alive. She survived. But the thing about trauma is that even when the situation is over it never really goes away.

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Just because I’m smiling, does not mean I am ‘well’

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For the rest of my life I will live with a mental illness, a label and a diagnosis, which is hard to comprehend. For the rest of my life, I will struggle with the demons in my head. I will have difficult moments, severe depressive moments, several days of living under blankets feeling hopeless and depressed, or too anxious and paranoid to leave my house. I’ll have challenging moments when I refuse to see or speak to anyone, including my friends. I will have moments of exhaustion where my anxiety just takes over my mind. I will have days where I will struggle tremendously and the thought of surviving is enough.

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I’m lying when I tell you I’m fine

I’m not fine.

I am not fine, but even with tears running down my cheeks I will look you in the eyes and still insist I am fine. Why? Because I hate to admit that I need help, even when it is extremely obvious that I do.

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When you’re always anxious that someone is mad at you

If I had a pound for each time I have needlessly asked someone if they are mad at me, I would have a whole lot of money! Most of the time, the thought that someone might be mad at me is all in my head. With my anxiety comes a lot of insecurity, Irrational guilt is the feeling that you have done something wrong when you haven’t. This can be caused by anxiety, insecurity and low self-esteem. It is a frustrating and consuming cycle, a fracture and inaccurate view of the world’s feelings.

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