When Depression makes me numb

When depression makes me numb, the lack of feeling anything is paradoxically a horrible feeling.

People who don’t experience or understand depression are often told it is not as simple as feeling sad. This is truer than I can ever begin to describe. There are many faces of depression: one symptom I wish people understood more is the of feeling numbness. A sense of hollowness. A dull, numb lump. It is a grey zombie state of flatness. Life passes by and you won’t bother to wave, because you really don’t care. In fact, you don’t really feel anything. When the strain of depression is extreme, experiencing emotions feels exhausting. There is no joy in my favourite activities or excitement when I make plans. It is all too much.

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I’m sorry for all the times my depression and anxiety made me a rubbish friend

Since I started being honest about my mental health, I have realized that my friendships have changed – mostly for the better. There is more trust there now, we are able to talk about bigger things. Now I have opened up, others have started opening up too. It has made me think about how much time I have spent not being the best friend when I wasn’t open about what I was dealing with (Depression, Self-Harm, Suicidal thoughts, Anxiety). I want to say sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t message you back because I overthought my response and decided that completely ignoring you would make you hate me less than me taking several hours to respond to you.

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What it’s like to love a girl who has survived Trauma

A girl who has lived through trauma has lived through a situation where her body, mind, her entire self was not her own. Where she felt ripped from herself, safety, and her own sanity. It was an experience where her trust was smashed, her worth demolished and all was left was pain. A girl who has lived through trauma is the one whose been pushed into the deep end of the pool not knowing how to swim and yet somehow found herself a ledge. She walked through a fire and did not succumb to the smoke. She dealt with the burns and despite the flames all around her she made it out alive. She survived. But the thing about trauma is that even when the situation is over it never really goes away.

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When your suicide doesn’t end in death or a hospital stay

When I was 14, I attempted suicide for the first time.

Let me rewind a bit first though.

I was 14 when my self-harming and depression decided to appear in my life and be a prominent feature still to this day. It was an interesting way to start my teenage years when they decided to appear in already a difficult time in any teenager’s life, just being a teenager. One thing led to another, while I was coping with being bullied at school, trying to keep my marks up, as well as coping with a big family fall out. When I found myself alone in my room with a load of pills next to me. I attempted to take my own life for the first time that night, and I woke up the next day with a sore throat and a terrible headache.

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Please, ask me how I am. Please, want to know the honest answer.

Please ask me how I am.

Ask me in a way that genuinely makes me feel like you want the truthful answer, I know you probably wont. I know it’s not because you don’t care about me. It isn’t because you don’t worry about me, but if you’re honest with yourself, it’s because you probably don’t want to deal with it.

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When you’re always anxious that someone is mad at you

If I had a pound for each time I have needlessly asked someone if they are mad at me, I would have a whole lot of money! Most of the time, the thought that someone might be mad at me is all in my head. With my anxiety comes a lot of insecurity, Irrational guilt is the feeling that you have done something wrong when you haven’t. This can be caused by anxiety, insecurity and low self-esteem. It is a frustrating and consuming cycle, a fracture and inaccurate view of the world’s feelings.

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