Forgive yourself, Darling

forgive

 

My darling, you have to forgive yourself.

I know that to move on. I have to forgive the people who’ve abused me. However, there is a more important person who I need to forgive and that’s myself. It’s well known that when you experience something horrific you have to forgive that person in order to move on. I’m aware I need to do this, I’m not in the place where I can say it face-to-face to the person, but in my mind and heart, I know I have forgiven them. However, there are days when I question whether or not I have, usually when I’ve had a flashback or a nightmare and then I’m really hard on myself and question whether I have truly forgiven my abusers. Have I really ‘gotten over it’? This only encourages my depression and allows me to beat myself up further than I already do. I know that holding onto my anger towards them is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. It doesn’t. Forgiveness isn’t something that you give to somebody who has hurt you, forgiveness is something that you give to yourself.

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There’s always a crack of light in the darkness

I find this a beautiful quote, one of my favourite in fact! (I do love myself a good quote, many of my friends will tell you this!) I thought of this quote when I was in bed in the dark with my blackout blind down, but yet the sunlight from outside was still getting through the sides. When I was reminded of this quote, and realised that no matter how dark a situation might be, that the light will eventually break through.

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Safety in silence

Safe

There it is. By keeping your abuse and what has happened to you all locked up deep down inside you. It is easy to feel like by protecting it you are protecting yourself. If you ignore it, it will go away and it won’t be happening to you.

But sometimes the silence becomes so heavy in your lungs, and you want nothing more than to get rid of it. But fear keeps you from speaking out. Fear that as soon as you say anything, you won’t be able to breath again. Fear that you might start crying and may never stop. Fear that you are about to unleash something so big, nobody will help you carry it and you will be more alone than you feel you are by keeping it all inside. In these moments it is not safety that keeps you from speaking out, but fear… Fear that what you have to get out from deep inside you, they will laugh at and discourage you. Fear that it might get to the wrong person and once again you will be in danger. But the biggest fear of all is that the person you might chose to open up to might not believe you. Continue reading “Safety in silence”