Forgive yourself, Darling

forgive

 

My darling, you have to forgive yourself.

I know that to move on. I have to forgive the people who’ve abused me. However, there is a more important person who I need to forgive and that’s myself. It’s well known that when you experience something horrific you have to forgive that person in order to move on. I’m aware I need to do this, I’m not in the place where I can say it face-to-face to the person, but in my mind and heart, I know I have forgiven them. However, there are days when I question whether or not I have, usually when I’ve had a flashback or a nightmare and then I’m really hard on myself and question whether I have truly forgiven my abusers. Have I really ‘gotten over it’? This only encourages my depression and allows me to beat myself up further than I already do. I know that holding onto my anger towards them is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. It doesn’t. Forgiveness isn’t something that you give to somebody who has hurt you, forgiveness is something that you give to yourself.

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What to do when fear is killing you

feel-the-fear-and-do-it-anyway_red-fairy-project_daily-inspirationLately I’ve been feeling scared of everything, and I mean everything. From the small stuff such as speaking to my new colleagues in the staff room (yes really!), to the bigger stuff from failing in my recovery to never amounting to anything. Too scared to even tell my closest friends how I’ve been feeling, because I’m scared of what they will think of me.

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How to support me through my panic attacks

I keep having panic attacks at church, I don’t really know why. I seem to have become scared being around a lot of people again, being in crowded places is proving somewhat difficult again. I think this maybe a part of it, and possibly that my mind is becoming to associate church with having panic attacks, I go to church afraid I’m going to have a panic attack. I get so nervous about having a panic attack. Which seems to be how panic attacks work, I worry about having one so much I end up having a panic attack, which causes me to worry about them. A very vicious cycle.

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What a day with my Depression looks like

I’ve been reading a lot about high functioning Depression lately, this is where someone may still be able to get up and go to their demanding, prestigious job, be in a romantic relationship, post the believable smiley photos on Instagram, regularly get together with their friends, and generally handle all the logistical adulting stuff of their life. Passing for someone who doesn’t “look depressed.” But inwardly, this same person may be gripped with a challenging set of symptoms invisible to those of us who love and know them.
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To the people who think I should be ashamed of my Mental Illness

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I used to feel ashamed of my mental health condition. Whereas now I refuse to let stigma and stereotypes dictate how I feel about myself. If you stigmatize me, that is your ignorance, it is not my truth. Stigma is cruel and dated.

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Today I was on live TV

Yes you read that correct, little old me was on national TV today whoop! I was invited on BBC breakfast news to discuss mental health and counselling, with the recent admissions from Prince Harry that he sought counselling to help him with Princess Diana’s death. They wanted a ‘normal’ person, who had experienced counselling. Yes you read that correct I was the normal person!!

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There’s always a crack of light in the darkness

I find this a beautiful quote, one of my favourite in fact! (I do love myself a good quote, many of my friends will tell you this!) I thought of this quote when I was in bed in the dark with my blackout blind down, but yet the sunlight from outside was still getting through the sides. When I was reminded of this quote, and realised that no matter how dark a situation might be, that the light will eventually break through.

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