I’m not fine.
I am not fine, but even with tears running down my cheeks I will look you in the eyes and still insist I am fine. Why? Because I hate to admit that I need help, even when it is extremely obvious that I do.
Let’s just unravel a few things here. It is never just one thing, one person or one bad day that causes a downward spiral into sadness or an anxiety attack. It is layers upon layers of self-hate, self-doubt, overthinking, and stress. Sometimes certain things can trigger a breakdown like a flashback, but it is never just one thing that causes me to lie on my bedroom floor staring at the ceiling for hours on end. In these dark hours, I am going over every single awful thing I have ever done. I am thinking about the things I could have done better. I am thinking of the present and the thousand and one things I could be doing to improve my future, and myself but here I am lying on my bedroom floor crying, or mind numbingly watching TV because I can’t quite find the motivation to brush my hair, let alone ‘take on the world’ and I hate it.
I hate myself for being this way, and I know I shouldn’t because mental illness is not something you can control; it was not my choice to be an emotional wreck. But that’s the thing anxiety has a way of making everything seem like it is your fault. Things beyond my control are suddenly my fault. I think of all they ways I could have done better because I never feel like I have done anything good enough. I think about every last one of my faults, listing every reason why I am a disappointment, a bad daughter, an awful friend and a terrible human being in general.
What you need to know is that depression does not just ‘go away’ my moods shift often. It is not just here one day and gone the next. Depression is a dark cloud that is always hanging over me. Although some days the sun breaks through, and on those days I smile and I laugh and for a short while I am okay. But on some days rain pours from this cloud and drowns everyone and everything out around me. On these days, I can’t just fake a smile; I can’t pretend I am okay. Most days this cloud just keeps the sky overcast – not a bad day, but not a good one either. Just a day.
Depression takes all of my motivation, my joy, positivity, everything. It literally drains the life out of me. Anxiety makes me afraid of everything. I am so sorry that I can’t function like a ‘normal’ human being. I am sorry that I’m not always fine.