I don’t know you. I have never met you and I probably never will. But I just wanted to say this to you: I love you, I accept you as you are. I understand.
I understand because, for long periods of time in my life, I have contemplated the same thing and some times actually tried too, by the grace of God I am still here. I have been torn between knowing that I will hurt the people who love me the most and thinking that they will be better off without me. One voice in my head screams for an end to the emotional torment and another whispers at me to just hold on.
I am so sorry you’re in pain my love. I’ve heard the demons in my head too. I’ve heard them say I’m not good enough. I’ve heard them say that I am not good enough. I’ve heard them say I am not worth it. I’ve heard them say that I am not worth life at all.
People have tried to help. They have pointed out how good our lives are. People have said that there is no reason for us to feel this way – that these thoughts are just thoughts, bad thoughts. Let me refute them: your feelings are valid. Your thoughts are not silly. They might be bad thoughts, but that does not mean you are bad. What you are going through right now is horrible. Even I can’t completely imagine what you are going through. I have a good idea though.
You might have been told you have depression or you might not. You might have some thoughts about the possibility; you might have made concrete plans. You might have been thinking about it for a long time or a thought may have crossed your mind a few moments ago. You might have attempted suicide before; you might never have entertained the idea of it. You might be absolutely determined, you might not care whether you live or not. I have been there, I know how heartbreakingly hard it is to deal with those thoughts.
Whatever your situation right now, I’m afraid the only thing I can tell you is that there is no magic wand we can wave to make us feel better, how I wish there was! I know it is impossible to see from where you’re standing. But your feelings will change. I know it seems like there is no end to this torment your feeling. That’s part of the lie, part of the awful deception that those demons feed you. That’s part of the blanket that smothers away hope. But hope is still there, even though it’s out of sight. It might take a long time. You and I don’t know when the day will come when you catch sight of hope again. But that day is coming – I promise. Just keep holding on. You are worth so much more than what those lies tell you.