My darling, you have to forgive yourself.
I know that to move on. I have to forgive the people who’ve abused me. However, there is a more important person who I need to forgive and that’s myself. It’s well known that when you experience something horrific you have to forgive that person in order to move on. I’m aware I need to do this, I’m not in the place where I can say it face-to-face to the person, but in my mind and heart, I know I have forgiven them. However, there are days when I question whether or not I have, usually when I’ve had a flashback or a nightmare and then I’m really hard on myself and question whether I have truly forgiven my abusers. Have I really ‘gotten over it’? This only encourages my depression and allows me to beat myself up further than I already do. I know that holding onto my anger towards them is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt them. It doesn’t. Forgiveness isn’t something that you give to somebody who has hurt you, forgiveness is something that you give to yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you; there is something wrong with the person who did this to you. After experiencing something like abuse, it is very easy to blame myself. “What if I hadn’t worn that?” or “what if I hadn’t said that?” or “what if I hadn’t acted that way?” and many other reasons. I find to blame myself for what someone else chose to do to me. But it is not my fault, as hard as I find that to be true, because the person who did this wants me to feel that it is my fault. Another truth that I need to remember is that what happened to me was awful and should not have happened but it is not my fault. I would have no issue being able to say any of these to someone else I know who has been abused, but for myself, trying to believe the truth in this situation is extremely difficult. Nobody should be scared to go out because they’re scared something will happen to them. Nobody should be scared to be themselves and think that being themselves is what made this happen to them. Nobody should be worried about what clothes they are wearing. None of these things should be an issue, but yet they are very big issues.
The reason I have to forgive myself is for blaming myself for what has happened, for the way I coped with what happened, nobody knows the correct way to respond in the face of abuse. The only thing we need to do is to be kind to ourselves and not blame ourselves for what happened to us. Yes, this has happened but it does not define me. It is not my purpose for being alive. I was not put here just for this I have many reasons for being alive. Being abused was not one of them, it is only a small part of my story.