Lately I’ve been feeling scared of everything, and I mean everything. From the small stuff such as speaking to my new colleagues in the staff room (yes really!), to the bigger stuff from failing in my recovery to never amounting to anything. Too scared to even tell my closest friends how I’ve been feeling, because I’m scared of what they will think of me.
The thing with me is that when I start feeling scared or anxious again, I can’t always tell if I’m just having a bad day (which everyone has because at the end of the day we are all just human beings with feelings). Or whether I’m slipping back into the depths of my depression, which is terrifying. Anybody who has suffered from the grips of depression will tell you it’s not something they wish to experience again. This only reinforces the feelings of panic and racing thoughts going through my mind of ‘can I really do this?’
I feel panicked, scared and overwhelmed, and even more annoyingly, I feel angry at myself for feeling like this when there is no real reason for it! For every moment that I try to evict my familiar friend, she battles harder to stay. It’s upsetting when this happens and it makes me feel like I’m failing in my recovery when the fear sets in again. I feel like a failure today while I struggle to grasp why I’m letting all these fears take over and control my mind and body.
Thoughts are not facts don’t believe everything you think. Although it feels like my thoughts are facts when they increase my feelings of fear; “No I can’t go and talk to them, why would they want to talk to me?! I’m useless” or “I will only embarrass myself and say something stupid so why should I bother?” These thoughts contribute to my fear. I never used to be so scared of talking to people, honestly. But my depression and anxiety have made me fearful and make me doubt myself in so many ways. And sometimes I need someone to tell me I’m not as horrible as I think I am, so that I am able to laugh at these unhelpful things my brain likes to taunt me with each and every day.
Today my fear won, however it won’t always.