For when you feel like running away

I feel like this a lot. Especially when my heart is heavy and I feel like I can’t carry on anymore. I have a wonderful fantasy of running away and starting a wonderful new life where nobody knows anything about me. And maybe then I would be happy.

And in these moments, I simply don’t want to exist anymore. Because everything hurts. And on these days simply getting out of bed is the biggest victory. When all I can think about is everyone would be better off if I was not around.

I stay

I stay

I stay

However it’s not always the easiest thing to do. When a bad day takes you by surprise, or an unexpected situation catches you out and plummets you back into the depths of depression. In response to the fight or flight response, mine is to run. Avoid. Anything but actually deal with the situation that is making me want to run away as fast as I can.

I stay

I stay

I stay

When a situation has hurt you so much, and you can’t cope with the feelings you are now left with. When you try to work through it but you feel as though you take one step forward and three back, and you are back to where you started in the first place if not further back. When all I want to do is leave a Beki-shaped hole in every wall because I don’t feel safe and run as fast and far as my legs will possibly take me.

I stay

I stay

I stay

Because even on the days when I feel like I might break, when I feel like I can’t possibly stay another day. I do. I don’t run, I stay and fight. So far my record is that I have survived everything life has thrown at me. I stayed.

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