A few weeks ago I wrote a blog about being a year free from self harm, which is a wonderful achievement, and to the outside world hearing that you would think oh wow she’s fixed, she’s okay now. Which sadly is not the truth, recovery is something that takes continuous work. The past few weeks I have been feeling completely stuck, where I have found even getting out of bed a daunting thing. Where I feel that if I do something horrible might happen and I wont be able to handle it. I’ve gone to work but I could not tell you what I have done during my shifts or who I have spoken to let alone what about. The only horrible thing that has happened is that I still exist, because right now I would prefer not to be, this does not mean that I am suicidal or anything it just means that right now existing hurts.
Recovery is a work in progress; there are days now when I still find it hard not to harm myself, despite not doing it for over a year. For me it was how I coped it became an addiction. So at times like now when I have fallen back into the depths of my depression and anxiety and I am being a terrible friend by ignoring all my friends messages or snapping at them or just generally being a total nightmare. When I’m like this I don’t know what I want or generally what’s wrong, sometimes nothing has happened and that’s just the struggle of depression which is really hard to handle and try and figure out what to do with myself.
I have to constantly work on my mental health, which is something I find extremely difficult especially when I feel as though I’m losing the fight against my depression. The truth is it takes continuous strength, hard work and determination to not go back to the self harming place I was in just over a year ago, it takes a really strong person to ask for help and even stronger one to go and get the professional help and support they need. In the same way if you had a broken foot you would not keep walking on it and not get any professional care for it, and the same goes for my mental health. Even though I feel like the weakest person when I have to admit to my doctor and my friends that things are not too great and even more to myself (as I just try to ignore it in the hope that my horrible feelings will go away). I am not weak.
Even though it feels like I might be stuck feeling like this forever, I know I wont be. I pray that I wont feel like this forever because it is really exhausting.
Happiness can be found even in the darkest times if one only remembers to turn on the light