‘Everyone hates me’
‘Nobody would miss me if I wasn’t here’
‘I’m just a burden’
How did you feel reading those words? Did you feel uncomfortable? Maybe even flinch a little? Maybe some of those words resonated with you. Now what would you think if I said someone says all of those to me everyday and more? You’d probably say get rid of that person from your life who says all those horrible things to you. Now what would you say if I said the person ho says all those things to me everyday is me?
Now your probably thinking this girl is crazy! (You are partly correct!) However these are the lies that my depression would convince me is in fact the truth. Some people have said some of these things to me. I was bullied throughout primary and high school. My depression likes to remind me of these things and only reinforces the horrible things that have been said.
The thing is we are not born hating ourselves; somewhere along our journey someone or some experience has sent us the message that there is something wrong with who we are. And we have internalized those and we think of them as our truths. But that hate is not our burden to carry and those judgments are not about us. We can learn to think about ourselves in a new way: a loving and accepting one. We have to learn to be able to challenge those beliefs so that they no longer have any power over us. It certainly is not easy, but it can be done and it will not happen over night. I have my truths wrote down on a piece of paper that I carry round with me to try and remind myself of the real things I am, rather than the things depression tells me I am on a daily basis and the things I am more likely to believe, Because its easier to think the worst of yourself. We are our own worst enemy, when we should be our own best friend. As we spend 24 hours a day with ourselves. So instead of beating ourselves up, we must learn to love ourselves and show ourselves the love and kindness that we show to our loved ones. If we had a friend who said all the horrible things we say to ourselves, how long would you stay their friend? Not long I imagine. But these same words are the ones that our depression would have us believe.
However when you realise there is more to life than all this pain you feel. Your new truths of love and acceptance towards yourself will come. It starts when you decide that you deserve to discover the truth about you. That you are strong, wanted, loved and you matter. You deserve to recover.