There it is. By keeping your abuse and what has happened to you all locked up deep down inside you. It is easy to feel like by protecting it you are protecting yourself. If you ignore it, it will go away and it won’t be happening to you.
But sometimes the silence becomes so heavy in your lungs, and you want nothing more than to get rid of it. But fear keeps you from speaking out. Fear that as soon as you say anything, you won’t be able to breath again. Fear that you might start crying and may never stop. Fear that you are about to unleash something so big, nobody will help you carry it and you will be more alone than you feel you are by keeping it all inside. In these moments it is not safety that keeps you from speaking out, but fear… Fear that what you have to get out from deep inside you, they will laugh at and discourage you. Fear that it might get to the wrong person and once again you will be in danger. But the biggest fear of all is that the person you might chose to open up to might not believe you.
Silence is often rooted in shame. The voice at the back of your mind that blames you for the things you have been through. The voice that tells you, that you should not be feeling the way you do, that this is all your fault. This voice is powerful. But it is a liar. You are not responsible for what someone chose to do to you. They are responsible. Not you. Not now, not tomorrow and not ever will it be your fault. Despite what that voice at the back of your mind is telling you
Shame can keep us in all kinds of prisons, if we let it.
This is not your fault, and it never will be.
Read it, repeat it, and believe it.
It is not your fault that it feels like silence is your only option. It is not your fault that keeping everything that has happened to you buried deep down inside under lock and key feels the safest thing for you. It is the way that someone has made you feel, who knows the value of your silence. They condition you to believe that you are unimportant, that nobody will believe you if you speak out, that you deserve this.
I broke my silence, it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I told my best friend and to my utter disbelief she believed me. She took what had happened to me seriously. And I was not in trouble. Her unwavering faith and fierce strength to protect me. And to get me through a time when all I could see myself as broken. I got very lucky with her; I know not everyone will have the same when they open up to someone.
There are thousands of people like us, who have been abused; maybe if we all spoke out we could make a difference. Maybe we could all stop feeling a bit less alone than we do when we keep ourselves in the cycle of ‘this is all my fault, I deserved this’. If you have experienced any kind of abuse, please remember that none of this is your fault. You did not deserve it. And you are most definitely not weak for speaking out and wanting justice for something that happened to you.
Please find people who will bare this burden with you and offer their love and support. They are out there, honest. Do it because you deserve to be heard, you deserve to be listened to and you deserve to know the truth this is not your fault and it never will be. There is nothing wrong with you for how you feel in the aftermath of what has happened to you and how you cope with it. You’re feelings are valid and so are you.
And lastly no mater what, please remember that you are never alone.